Carcinoma

5:30 a.m.
I woke up and checked my email before my eyes were even fully open.
A new test result has been posted…read the alert.

I reached for my glasses on the nightstand, opened MyChart, and there it was….. the pathology results I’d been waiting on all weekend.

Invasive carcinoma……
Not the words I wanted to see.

I woke my husband and whispered, “They posted the results… carcinoma.”
He didn’t need any more explanation. He just held me. “I’m sorry” he said

I made a joke……because that’s what I do when things get too real.
“Well… can I finally get the long-haired dachshund I always wanted?”
“Yes,” he said. “We can get a dog now.”

Small victory.

I pictured an elderly rescue…..one who just needs somewhere soft to land for his final years. Definitely a boy… I have no energy for a dramatic little girl dog.

Around 10 a.m. the physician called.
I pretended I hadn’t read the report already.
“Do you have time to talk?”
“Yes.” I said.
“It is cancer. Not benign.” She said.

“Ok.” I answered.
She paused……. maybe waiting for emotion I didn’t have yet. I wasn’t sure what the correct response should be… so I stayed quiet. 

She then proceeded to tell me the MRI would be moved up and went through the details of what happens next.

“We’re still piecing everything together.” I listened, and then I drifted…..”She does this every day…” I thought. 

Delivering life-altering news to strangers.
I couldn’t do what she does. 

So… the waiting is over.
Now it’s one day at a time……… But then again. It’s always been that way, hasn’t it? 

I don’t want any of this.            
I wish things could simply unravel the way nature intended.

Or maybe nature did intend this.

I don’t know.

Life makes no sense to me.

But…. there’s an adventure waiting for me next summer, so I’m choosing to move forward with whatever…. I can’t say I really care at this point.

If I’m being honest… I’d rather die in the desert anyway.  

But for now—today—I’m still here.
So we keep going. I’ll just have to shift my mental focus… that’s all. 

We’ll get through this.