Journaling
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First Day of Chemotherapy
It was a good day…..better than I expected. We made the 30-minute drive to the cancer center and checked in about three minutes late. Within moments, they had me back for vitals and then guided me to the infusion area. I was assigned a nurse and asked to take a seat in a comfortable recliner.… Continue reading
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Max Heart Rate
If I’m going to put myself through treatment, I might as well make it worthwhile. I decided early on that if my experience can help someone else in the future, then I’ll gladly contribute. So, I volunteered as a test subject, agreeing to follow a prescribed workout regimen throughout treatment and undergo periodic physiological testing… Continue reading
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Echo
Had an echocardiogram today, watched my own heart moving across the screen, sound waves bouncing through my chest to form a real-time portrait of the strongest muscle I have. It felt surreal… hearing the blood flow and the rhythmic opening and closing of valves through heart chambers. December is the month where treatment begins. Dates… Continue reading
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Thanksgiving
Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Despite everything, I’m still here feeling grateful. I believe I’ll be ok…but I’m also learning to make peace with the possibility that things may not always go that way, and, well……. that’s part of the journey too. Today my mind wandered to memories I didn’t expect. Just a year ago, we brought… Continue reading
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Wigs
The Oncologist told me I’d be losing my hair once treatment starts. It wasn’t something I wanted to hear. My hair has always felt like my life force….my own version of Samson’s strength…..and imagining myself without it felt devastating. But after the initial sting, I did what I’ve been doing with everything lately, I gathered… Continue reading
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Coping
Over a week of coughing up phlegm, speaking through a stale, worn-out voice. The flu is finally passing. Today, I ran a half-marathon just to quiet my mind. To breathe. To try to hold myself steady before the storm of this coming week. Soon, I’ll learn what comes next, treatment, work, life. The shape of… Continue reading
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Roadkill
Fifty-five miles per hour down a two-lane rural road.I caught it in my peripheral vision—right shoulder—front paws stretched, hind legs exploding across the asphalt. I glanced at the rear-view mirror; another vehicle trailed close behind. Stopping wasn’t an option.An oncoming car approached from ahead—swerving wasn’t an option either. Maybe it will stop.Maybe it will make… Continue reading
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64
Gadolinium, a rare-earth element forged in the violent deaths of ancient stars, will enter my bloodstream tomorrow. It feels surreal to think that something born billions of years ago, long before Earth even existed, is now being used to help diagnose what’s happening inside me. It will arrive already chelated, safely held in a molecular… Continue reading
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Waiting
Waiting breeds anticipation.What is anticipation, really….at least in physiological terms? It’s the body’s quiet chemistry experiment: neurotransmitters surging, hormones firing, the amygdala alert. Cortisol and norepinephrine rise, with a delicate dash of dopamine, hope and fear mixing in the bloodstream. While those chemicals play their dance, the mind searches for distraction. Maybe by finishing that… Continue reading
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The Ancient City
I envisioned myself running into the ancient city of Karakorum…sweaty, salt-streaked, and stinking of seven days beneath the Mongolian sun. My pack bounced against my back as the crew clapped, cheering me toward the finish line. “You doing, OK?” someone called out. Then, suddenly, I was back. The sound faded, replaced by the hum of… Continue reading
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